Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have one of the strongest alliances in Hollywood. The couple met in 1994 on the set of a film. The Prince of Bel-Air, when the 52-year-old actress auditioned to play Smith’s character’s girlfriend. Although the role ultimately went to actress Nia Long, the couple began dating soon after. They later married on December 31, 1997, when Pinkett Smith was three months pregnant with the couple’s first child, Jaden Smith.
However, despite this auspicious start to what should have been a fairytale marriage, marrying an A-list actor wasn’t always easy. Excerpt from her new book Worthypublished by People, Pinkett Smith recalled a time when her battle with severe depression made her question the life she shared with Smith and their children.
“For two decades I put on a good face, went with the flow and told everyone I was fine,” he said Conversation at the red table the presenter writes. “Yet, within me, bouts of depression and overwhelming hopelessness simmered until they became a raging hellfire inside my broken heart. Unwanted feelings—undeserved love—made it difficult to understand the gap between the so-called ideal life I had achieved and the well of loss I carried with me. Therapy helped up to a point. She brought me to forty! But for what purpose?”
Pinkett Smith explains that she was later diagnosed with complex trauma with PTSD and dissociation. But before that, she said, waking up every morning “was like walking on a board of doom.” And while her children were always her motivation to keep going, she got to the point where even that was difficult.
“I followed the rules… the rules we were told to follow,” she continues. “You work hard, you make sacrifices for those you love. The rules tell you: be a caring mother and a caring wife, do the required work, and life will turn into paradise. NO. Love relationships, harmony, peace… this happiness has not yet been delivered.”
“On paper, everything looked great – I had a wonderful family, a superstar husband, a luxurious lifestyle, fame and fortune,” laments Pinkett Smith. “I had my own career, freedom and support to realize my creativity. The best part is my kids – Jaden, Willow and my bonus son Trey – three of my favorite people in the world. They were, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me. And yet none of this stopped me from crashing into the wall, which I was rushing towards at a hundred miles an hour, knowing full well that this shit was going to explode!
Pinkett Smith says she sought help with everything from silent yoga retreats and solo hikes to “exploring every religion you can think of,” but ultimately none of it helped. And to make matters worse, cracks began to show in the couple’s marriage and she “couldn’t make things right no matter how hard I tried.”
“And so, by Thanksgiving, I became desperate and wanted to be on this earth less and less,” she adds. “This was not life.”
While there is no cure-all for depression, Pinkett Smith’s journey to “recovery” only began after she hit rock bottom with her mental health as the couple prepares to celebrate their 26th wedding anniversary later this year.
The couple’s relationship, including their experimentation with an open marriage, has been making headlines over the past few years.
Worthy hits shelves October 17th.