Hope for Survivors: There is Life After Domestic Violence

Nadira Jamerson

Originally appeared in Word in Black.

This story is part of Love Doesn’t Live Here by Word In Black. a series about how domestic violence affects our community and what we can do about it. Trigger Warning: These stories contain references to domestic violence and abuse.

Megan Thee Stallion. Rihanna. Mariah Carey. Over the past few decades, the world has watched as each of these famous black women struggled to free themselves or seek justice for the abuse they suffered at the hands of loved ones.

Indeed, domestic violence knows no bounds of fame and fortune. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, more than 40% of Black women will experience some form of domestic violence—physical, mental, economic or sexual abuse—in their lifetime.

Each of these celebrities is also an example of how to live after intimate partner violence.

Carey is a global superstar and the undisputed queen of Christmas, but over the years she has detailed in interviews—and in her 2020 autobiography, The Meaning of Mariah—how she was mentally and emotionally abused by her ex-husband and former Sony Music chief Tommy Mottola. during their five-year marriage.

“A lot of reasonable people wondered why I married Tommy. But none of them questioned the decision more than I did,” Carey wrote in her book. But she “didn’t see a way out” of the marriage, although at 23 she “never dreamed of getting married.”

Domestic violence survivor Constance Walsh, 40, knows what it’s like.

“I remember our relationship developed very quickly and we often spent most of our time together,” Walsh, a social worker and educator, tells Word In Black.

Is this really violence?

Walsh, who is gay, says she didn’t initially realize what was happening in her relationship was domestic violence. It didn’t look “exactly like it did when I was a kid.” I was in a same-sex relationship and there was no obvious difference in strength based on height or weight,” she says.

Her partner “didn’t always leave a physical mark.” But Walsh was “often emotionally frightened.”

Black women are more than three times more likely to die from domestic violence than white women.

She says her “ex would do things like speed on the freeway, cutting in and out of lanes if she was mad at me. If I wanted to leave the house to take a break from the conflict, she would stand in my way, not allowing me to leave. Coercive control and gaslighting were so common that I often questioned my sanity.”

In her 2020 memoir, Carey detailed Mottola’s restrictive behavior, which she said amounted to imprisonment.

“I couldn’t talk to anyone who wasn’t under Tommy’s control. I couldn’t go out with anyone or do anything. I couldn’t move freely in my own home.” Mariah wrote. She also wrote that she keeps a “bag” under her bed in case she needs to escape.

The choice to leave

Walsh says the reason she finally left her abusive relationship “wasn’t because I was tired of years of abuse; it was because our children were old enough to witness what went on in our home behind closed doors.”

She says she “realized that I needed to leave so as not to pass on this generational curse.”

On average, it takes women seven tries before they quit for good.

These days, pictures of Rihanna smiling next to ASAP Rocky and her kids make people smile, and we support her beauty and Fenty fashion efforts as well as her humanitarian work through the Clara Lionel Foundation.

But fans of Chris Brown, who was found guilty of assault (but received no jail time) for brutally beating and biting the Bajan superstar before the Grammy Awards in February 2009, still blame Riri for ruining Brown’s life and continue saying violence was her mistake.

When Rihanna briefly rekindled her relationship with Brown three years after his arrest, she faced widespread criticism.

“I was that girl,” she told Vanity Fair in 2015, “that girl who felt that, despite all the pain in this relationship, maybe some people are stronger than others.”

But she realized that by staying with Brown, she was continuing the cycle of violence.

“After a while, in a situation like that, you become the enemy,” she said. “You want the best for them, but if you remind them of their failures, or if you remind them of the bad times in their life, or even if you say I’m willing to put up with something, they will think less of you… because that they know you don’t deserve what they’re going to give… Sometimes you just have to leave.”

Walsh says it’s difficult for black victims to come forward and get justice because courts often charge them but don’t believe them. Therapy notes and evidence detailing years of abuse apparently weren’t enough to convince a male judge to grant Walsh a restraining order.

According to NCADV, “Law enforcement officers frequently arrest Black survivors, and police, juries, and judges are less likely to believe Black survivors than White survivors. Racist systems put Black people at greater risk of experiencing intimate partner violence.”

Walsh also experienced how difficult it is for people with children to leave due to the way the court system works. Courts “allow children to have ongoing contact with an unsafe parent because parents ‘own’ their children,” she says.

Community pressure to protect the abuser

Black women are more than three times more likely to die from domestic violence than white women. Racism and misogyny from law enforcement keep many black women in dangerous situations. Social pressure to keep the offender out of jail doesn’t help either.

After a Los Angeles jury convicted Tory Lanez (real name Daystar Peterson) on December 23, finding him guilty of three criminal charges for the murder of Megan Thee Stallion, his supporters took to social media and gossip blogs to express hate and blame Megan – real name Megan Pete – for ruining Lanez’s life.

His fans, as well as others in the hip-hop community, have been criticizing Megan ever since she claimed Tory shot her in the leg.

“Because I was shot, I was turned into some kind of villain and he was turned into a victim,” Megan testified in court. “This whole industry situation is like a big boys’ club… I’m talking about one of your friends, now you’re all going to hate me.”

Many LGBT centers have legal and domestic violence resources to help you navigate the system.

CONSTANCE WALSH

Antonia Randolph, an assistant professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill who studies misogyny in hip-hop culture, told The 19th that black women are overwhelmingly asked to “support cultural demands to protect black men from the criminal legal system.”

“Black women remain responsible and must protect black men from the criminal legal system,” Randolph said.

Despite this pressure, Walsh says she wants every victim to know: “Don’t let shame keep you silent.”

She says, no matter what, “Tell someone you can trust what you’re going through. Let them know you need help, develop an escape plan and have resources ready for you—and know that what happened to you is not your fault and you can heal from the experience.”

And for people who need it, Walsh says, “many LGBT centers have legal and domestic violence resources to help you navigate the system.”

Keep focusing on your goals

Lanez fans still blame Megan online. But Megan continues to move forward. She recently performed with Beyoncé during Queen B’s Renaissance tour in Houston and also released a hit single with Cardi B.

Walsh says that while “post-breakup abuse can be draining, try not to let it stop you from achieving your goals.”

“I regained my voice and intuition and healed parts of my inner child,” she says. But “there is not enough help for people experiencing domestic violence, and the court system is not trained to see the many different forms and aspects of domestic violence.”

She says that in the face of such enormous obstacles, it can be difficult for Black women to imagine life after intimate partner violence. Not only are organizations like Sisters Mentally Mobilized, Ujima, Black Women’s Blueprint, and California Black Women’s Health Project ready to help, but examples of Black women who have left and started living fulfilling lives can be a comforting source of inspiration.

If you or someone you know has experienced intimate partner violence, consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline anonymously and confidentially at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).). Chat at http://thehotline.org | Send the message “START” to 88788. There are people waiting to help you heal 24/7/365.

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