Dear parents,
Welcome to Kindergarten Kindergarten! We were very happy to meet you at the orientation. Additionally, we regret to inform you that your child was exposed to a driver’s license during orientation. Think of the “sick at school” Band-Aid being ripped off! Don’t worry, we will be doing lice checks tomorrow and we will make sure to let you know if your child is a carrier and therefore not welcome back to school for a week.
Dear parents,
Can you believe week one is already behind us? Apologies to anyone who was banned from joining because of parasites, but if that’s you, we have some good news.you no exposed Coronavirus. This is the notification everyone else receives. Be sure to monitor your children. Although symptoms may be mild, the impact on your childcare situation can be earth-shattering.
Dear parents,
We at Kinderkids have a theory, and it’s this: Everyone gets pinkeye eventually, so why not now? In other words, all your kids now have pink eyes. It looks kind of cool, though – like they’re all Shredders from the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? We will try to get the photos and send them via the Brightwheel app.
Dear parents,
It’s us again. If you are receiving this email, it is because your child has been exposed. . .God you are real Won’t like this. It was smallpox. We are as surprised as you are! It turns out that a site visit to one of the Department of Defense’s infectious disease labs wasn’t the best idea. You live and you learn. A hazmat suit, a bottle of antidote and a government settlement release form will be provided upon pickup. If your child develops any lumps, please be sure to let us know through the Brightwheel app and report it to the government.
PS We are still looking for volunteers for the bake sale. Bonus points if you’ve already had smallpox!
Dear parents,
Just add us to your speed dial at this point, right? In fact, we shouldn’t joke around – this is a very serious matter. Last week, your kids all came down with pirate gastroenteritis. It’s basically a rare combination of diarrhea and hot tub rash (non-fatal). The PG was wiped out on land centuries ago, but survived on a handful of 17th-century pirate ships. Kind of like the amber-encased mosquito in Jurassic Park. (We find pop culture references can soften the blow.) Normally, we have a policy of protecting the identity of Patient Zero, but in this case it was obvious to everyone that this was the captain we welcomed at Career Day. From now on, career days will only welcome parents, not those who claim to have interesting stories about the sea.
Dear parents,
How was your spring break? OK? We know you’re in the second week of the holidays and you’re thinking, how could my child get sick? in school when we haven’t been Stayed at school for more than 7 days? Here’s the thing.As early as September, in Coronavirus Outbreaks and eleven cases of strep throat, we didn’t even bother to write to you, and kids gathered around a rock someone picked up in Central Park. We now know that this rock harbors a very rare bacterium that causes illness exactly one hundred and seventy-nine days after contact. We did the math for you and the result is tomorrow. Just in time for spring break! What are the odds? (1 in 2.5 million.) So if your child’s ears start to get stiff tomorrow (and they do), don’t panic. It should resolve itself by the end of the break. More importantly, enjoy the rest of your vacation!
PS Still looking for bake sale volunteers!
Dear parents,
This time, we are not writing about news about infectious diseases. Just kidding – we really do. Children were exposed to rinderpest. The disease was previously thought to only affect cattle. In retrospect, a second field trip to an infectious disease laboratory might not have been the best idea. Shame on us for lying to me twice. Given that it is May, we believe this will be the last time you hear from us. Fingers (or hooves) crossed!
Dear parents,
Congratulations on a successful school year! Your immune system has been strengthened in ways you could never imagine. We’re excited to send your little ones off to kindergarten with newfound confidence, a love of play, and six months of immunity to pirate gastroenteritis. We’re sure you’ll all agree that this is more important than learning how to read. Oh, and try not to breathe near your child’s rash. Have a nice summer vacation! ❖