Drake’s For All the Dogs Is the Rap Superstar’s Most Tedious Album

The Chairman welcomes the influx of new members; apologizes for lack of seating; notes that Drake’s new album, For All the Dogs, released Oct. 6, appears to have seen its biggest spike in traffic since November 2011 after the now-defunct blog Big Ghost Chronicles dubbed Drake a “Young Garnier Fructis.”

Treasurer announces that “For All the Dogs” is expected to debut at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 albums chart after lead single “Slime You Out” featuring SZA debuted at No. 1 on the Hot 100 singles chart; reminds new members that, despite Drake’s song logic, human value is not commensurate with financial value, which is why DHA does not keep financial records.

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Offering to vindicate “For All the Dogs” as Drake’s most suffocatingly tedious album, citing a prevailing mood of male resentment, a persistent lack of melodic imagination, an unnecessary bloat of the track listing, trivial production decisions, various distasteful transformations of dirty talk into dad puns, etc. sour and sexy vibes. Alternative Suggestion: “Certified Lover Boy.” The movement is passing.

Motion to confirm the dialogue snippet from “Scarface” from “Daylight” (0:07) as the most awkward moment on the new album. (“You don’t have the courage to be who you want to be… You need people like me so you can point your (expletive) finger and say, ‘That’s the bad guy!'” – Al Pacino as Tony Montana.) Alternate Suggestions: “Members Only” (3:29): “I live about 40 minutes from you / This sex drive is crazy”; “7969 Santa” (0:53) Drake berates his 25-year-old romantic partner for his perceived immaturity. (Drake turns 37 on October 24.) The Chairman reminds the voting body that the criteria are “most embarrassing,” not “most trivial,” “most disgusting,” etc. The movement passes.

Proposal for a DHA subcommittee to evaluate jazz, citing lyrics from “Away From Home”: “Esperanza Spalding got all the accolades/I try to be humble, I try to be forgiving/Who gives (expletive) Michelle Obama to put you on his playlist?/ Then we will never hear from you again, as if you had been kidnapped.” Counts by veteran DHA members that quoted song lyrics were taken out of context and inflated on social media; explains that Drake is attacking not so much jazz composer-bassist Spalding (and jazz music in general) as he is attacking the Recording Academy for awarding Spalding the 2010 Best New Artist Grammy instead of Drake. Motion fails.

A younger member asks if attendance at future meetings will be mandatory, given that Drake essentially keeps making the same album over and over and over again. The Chairman claims that DHA believes Drake has been in a creative stagnation since 2016’s Views (more specifically, the once vital, still brilliant, career-topping hit single “Hotline Bling”); clarifies that the association’s participation remains entirely voluntary: “DHA is here to support Drake haters of all backgrounds and backgrounds, past, present and future.”

The new member offers “more comments than questions” on the new song “IDGAF” featuring Yeat, noting that collaborations with Drake used to make him sound like a guy rapping on a cardboard backdrop, but here he sounds like a cardboard backdrop. clipping inserted into Yita’s excellent song. The Chairman claims that Yit is cool.

Founding member returns to the Young Garnier Fructis/Big Ghost incident; suggests “we created this monster”; notes that criticism leveled at Drake early in his career for being “too soft” led to “an endless mid-career plateau of male overcompensation and a self-perpetuating discontent from which the rapper and his fandom can never escape.” Chairs with random lyrics from the new song “Rich Baby Daddy” (“Take care of the dog ’til the dog days are over”) as an inelegant nod to Drake’s potential upcoming Redemption album. Chaotic debate rages over the future of DHA. The chairman brings the meeting to order and then abruptly calls a break.

The meeting ends at the 85 minute mark so as not to exceed the running time of For All Dogs.

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