Here’s how to end sibling rivalry once and for all

From Marcia and Jane on The Brady Bunch, to Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, and Princes William and Harry, we’re innately drawn to stories of sibling rivalry.

That’s probably because for many of us, stories of sibling conflict touch our hearts. A 2001 study showed that sibling rivalry typically peaks between the ages of 10 and 15 (academic rivalry is the root cause of most rivalry), but the friction may continue into adulthood. In some cases, it can lead to a period of profound emotional alienation. A German study earlier this year found that 28% of respondents had at least one strange experience with a sibling.

Fern Schumer Chapman, author of “Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Siblings’ Paths to Estrangement and Reconciliation,” believes it’s natural for sibling relationships to wax and wane throughout a person’s life. matter.

“In childhood, our siblings are our first playmates, and they instill in each other necessary social qualities—tolerance, generosity, loyalty—that ultimately influence relationships with friends, coworkers, and romantic partners,” she said .

“As therapist Karen Gail Lewis says, early sibling relationships are truly ‘the laboratory for all subsequent relationships,'” adds Schumer Chapman. “As adults, when people find themselves in conflict, they often fall back on skills or patterns they established with their siblings in childhood.”

Schumer Chapman explains that adults may default to “sibling empathy,” unconsciously viewing others as siblings. “Sibling dynamics can arise in partnerships, friendships, and even coworker interactions.”

Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco-area psychologist who specializes in alienation and parental alienation, agrees that sibling rivalry is hard to avoid even if parents are fair-minded and well-intentioned.

“Parental attention is a relatively limited resource, and children have their own needs, so children are constantly thinking about how to occupy this position, sometimes consciously, often unconsciously,” he said. “So, that’s why sibling rivalry happens even in the context of good parents.”

A little rivalry between siblings can even be a healthy thing, Coleman said, citing the example of Venus and Serena Williams, whose father, Richard Dove William Jr. Mums pushed both of them to greatness.

“That’s true of any kind of competition, you work harder because someone provides an ideal or aspirational example,” he said. “If one sibling is particularly good at a sport, academic, or musical instrument, competition may arise out of affection or a spirit of intimacy.”

Still, some parents do perpetuate friction between their children, leading to chronic sibling antagonism. Schumer Chapman said parents are more likely to be involved in labeling and elevating roles for siblings (“athletic,” “family brain”) or triangulating between children (e.g., partners may pass on information). Subtly (or not so subtly) encourage competition. about how they feel about one child towards another). Offering money or gifts to one child but not another without explanation is another common cause of rivalry.

“Even something as seemingly innocuous as looking to one child instead of another for guidance can create resentment in adulthood,” Schumer Chapman said.

Typically, priorities change and adult siblings don’t have the emotional wherewithal or time to engage in the competitiveness of the past, says Kiaundra Jackson, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles.

But when the competition doesn’t end, everyone in the family inevitably faces backlash.

“If this continues, sometimes no contact is the healthiest option for people,” Jackson said. “Just because someone is related by blood doesn’t mean you have to be in an unhealthy or toxic relationship.”

But generally, she said, healing is possible if one party is willing to offer to make amends.

“Instead of continuing this competitive dynamic, someone would be willing to say, ‘OK, what happened?’ What did I do? How can I fix this? What should we do? How can we do better?” she said. . “Then hopefully both sides can take some kind of responsibility to make that happen.”

If repairing your relationship is your goal, our experts share some ways to repair it.

John Duffy, psychologist and author of Parenting the New Teen in an Age of Anxiety“You were with a The number of young adults who compete with one or more siblings until adulthood.

“In my office, we discuss the purpose of competition when they were kids. They often say that competition was motivating and inspiring at the time, but when we think about whether competition continues to serve that purpose, it never does, ” he told The Huffington Post. “It just destroys an otherwise friendly and harmonious relationship.”

If you try to outline all the wrongs and hurts you’ve suffered over the years, peace talks will break down quickly. Coleman says you want to express your feelings in a way that makes your sibling feel interested or sympathetic, rather than critical and hurtful.

“If you just come in and talk about how abusive, narcissistic, toxic or whatever your sibling is, they’re probably not going to be very interested in what you have to say,” he said. “They’re just going to be defensive.”

But if you say something like, “You know, I want to have a closer relationship with you,” they might be more receptive, he said.

“From that point on, you might say, ‘Some of the behaviors you did to me – and maybe I did to you – I found very hurtful. Is this something we can discuss and work together on?’ ? Can I provide you with more feedback on something that I think is hurtful, difficult, or damaging between us?”

Duffy often found that persistent adult sibling rivalry was often based on a single misunderstanding that intensified over time. If there’s something specific you can address, lead with that and try to keep the conversation focused on that issue.

“I’ve worked with many adults who eventually came to a truce with their siblings after clearing up misunderstandings about money, attention, or other aspects that might have hindered their healthy relationship,” he says.

This is not a one-way conversation. Siblings caught in the heat of competition must be equally committed to listening to each other. This may mean finding a therapist to discuss your issues. Schumer Chapman says if you choose to resolve the issue yourself, one party should sit quietly and listen to the other party talk about how years of competition or bullying have affected them.

Here are some questions you can consider, according to your therapist

1. What is something you feel you need that you don’t get?
2. Why do you feel the need to compete or bully?
3. How does it feel to be in such fierce competition or to be bullied? How does it make you see yourself?

“Often, siblings cry when they hear their perspective. Each is surprised to learn about the hurt the other has suffered,” Schumer-Chapman said.

“Siblings may discover the truth about their individual stories and see themselves as part of a larger dysfunction,” she said. “When you truly listen to each other, you respect each other’s dignity and enhance your own dignity.”