How to Overcome Your Fear of Sex: From First Time Anxiety to Misogyny

Sex is a taboo that has been broken in recent decades, but still exists. Our usual thinking is that this is good, positive, and something that everyone wants, but that’s not always the case. This aspect of some people’s lives can create anxiety and even rejection or fear.

There are many reasons for fear or rejection of sex.Rafael Ballester, a health psychology professor and sexologist, explains that rejection comes in varying degrees of intensity, ranging from anxietywhich is common until aversion to sex, This is not the case, and the motivations are very different. These types of issues can be addressed through therapy, either individually or as a couple, although sometimes the solution is to engage in introspective exercises and learn about your own sexuality.

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“Anxiety is very common, sometimes simply because ignorance“This is common, for example, when teenagers or young adults start having sexual relations,” explains Ballester, who is also director of the Salusex Research Group and Health Center at Jaume I University, adding this is normal And it doesn’t have to be maladaptive. “It’s something new that they don’t know, it’s the first time they’re naked and hugging another human being, and they don’t really know what they’re supposed to do,” he said.Therefore, he emphasized sex education “Knowing how to react, being aware of the body of the other person you’re with, being confident, not doing things you don’t want to do, understanding sexual consent is a basic thing and it has to be obvious, for everything you do practices and whoever your partner is,” because, remember, “it’s not worth saying no because this is my boyfriend or girlfriend, so it’s no longer, well, no, of course it’s necessary.”

Anxiety can be caused by more specific causes, such as Fear of becoming pregnant or contracting an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infections) When birth control methods are not used and a person is concerned that these will be consequences of a relationship. At this point, the sexologist talks about “the importance of knowing about birth control methods that allow you to be sure of what you’re doing and you don’t have to know if he’s controlling ejaculation.”

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another reason is body complex, This condition is increasingly common among young people and the most important thing here is to break the fear around our body image. “We have been living in a society with a lot of aesthetic pressure for decades. Some boys and girls are very self-demanding. about the body they should have” and being able to represent these complexes as they are very present in society: “The fact that my breasts are small means I won’t be attractive, or the issue of penis size, which is still a problem for men of any age The excellence complex. “

“We have to understand that everyone We have the right to enjoy our sex, no matter what kind of body we have,” he explained, adding, “If you don’t feel good about your body, you’re not going to like sharing it with other people because you’re going to be like, ‘Look, now they’re going to Realize I have cellulite.” Now you’ll notice I have a small penis. ” I will suffer more than enjoy“.

Ballesteros also focuses on acquisitions sexual diversity education. “Love and attraction have no borders, and there’s nothing bad, ugly or dirty about liking a girl as a girl or a boy as a boy,” he recalled.

There are other fears and “Execution Anxiety”it seems to be related to memory previous bad experience While having sex.For example, if you have erection problems In a relationship, people worry that this will happen again, or, For women, if they don’t lubricate. “It’s the anticipatory anxiety of something that’s happened to me happening again that usually triggers your worst fears because, of course, the more interested you are in lubrication or erection, the less interested you are,” Ballester said .

At this point, the expert assures that “if we had all this sex education, we would be more calm about sex and less anxious”, going on to give the same example: “If one day I’m tired and I’m not An erection, and then nothing. Nothing happens, or I don’t lubricate, and nothing happens. I relax, rest, and then we move on to another day.”

This fear may also arise from very strict anti-sex education. In many cases it has to do with religion. “The consequence of this is that some people associate sex with something dirty and ugly, rather than when it’s not what it’s supposed to be at all,” the expert said. He explained that in therapy, he tries to Allow patients to examine their beliefs with this issue so that they realize that if the problem is caused by religion, “You can be a believer and enjoy your sexuality at the same time”. “There was nothing wrong with something that brought joy and didn’t hurt anyone,” he recalls.

Sexologists explain that when the feeling is “fear, rejection, avoidance, or even disgust, usually we’re already talking about a sexual aversion disorder“. It usually happens after two situations, the first is when “you have been with A partner who has a much stronger sex drive than you doThere’s always a moment when you’re trying to keep up and you’re satisfied and disgusted” or “When you’re with an insensitive partner who doesn’t realize you don’t like it or you don’t feel confident enough to say You don’t want to be at the same frequency. ” The second case is after a certain type sexual abuse or assault”, “Suppose you have learned that sex can be a means of submission, of humiliation, of not being something positive and beautiful, but becoming something ugly, dirty. ” In these cases, “the real phobia is accompanied by avoidance component”, he clarified.

Avoiding sexual relations does not mean having this aversion, it may be normal, especially if you are not in the mood or have a problem. However, when the refusal goes any further and the sexual act disgusts you, creates a lot of anxiety, or even makes you feel disgusted, the act itself can be somewhat traumatic.If this happens because you’re having sex with a frequency or type you don’t want, “you have important training sexual confidence Sometimes couples therapy is worthwhile,” Ballester says.

If it’s because of a sexual assault, there’s usually Post-traumatic stress disorder. “You have to overcome all the trauma, which is more complicated,” the sexologist said. It’s a longer process that requires therapy, but it comes with women who have been victims and need help rediscovering that part of themselves.

On the one hand, it is necessary to reinvigorate the situation, “we must inspire catharsis Let the anger, helplessness, and all the negative emotions you know have happened come out. ” On the other hand, we must bear the burden that social narratives place on women. “Unfortunately, in our society, when a woman is sometimes raped, she feels guilty,” the expert said. ” He explained that a very important part of treatment is remove blame How women who experience sexual violence feel. “Of course, I was wearing that dress” “Maybe I didn’t resist enough?” “What if I participated or cooperated?” (in the case of chemical submissions), all of these thoughts are nothing more than internalized social cues that must be eliminated or corrected because they are not real because It’s never the victim’s fault.

Another step taken in treatment is managing anxiety to have sex again. “We set a mission to restore these sexual practices, and we do so Restoration of Sexual Desire That way, eventually, it becomes enjoyable again,” details the therapist. Through anxiety management strategies, progressive exercises are introduced so that women can reconnect, either alone or with a stable partner, if they have one ).

Sometimes women who have been victims may develop reject man, or targeting those who look like attackers. In these cases, therapy can also help regain their trust.