A raging group of dumpster fires rushed to the threshold of the U.S. House of Representatives, came to a complete stop and laughed mockingly for hours at the sight of what they were locked inside. Watching House Republicans try to govern the country is like watching 221 monkeys fuck 217 footballs.
After ceremonial whippings of not-dumb-enough candidates Kevin McCarthy and Steve “Uncountable David Duke” Scalise, the savage clowns of the Liberty Dumb Party Caucus gathered. Jim Jordan became the greatest evil of all evil. Weird things ensue.
To the surprise and delight of naturalists around the world, Jordan’s nomination influenced the emergence of a species long considered mythical: the legendary “moderate Republican.” This time, the bucks and bacons of the world actually stood their ground and proudly shouted “You know what? Let’s stick to low-calorie fascism this time, I’m watching my weight!”
But Jim wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity any more than some college wrestler asked his coach to protect him from sexual abuse, nosireebob. Determined to go all out, he threw on a jacket…well, he was pretty much out of ideas after that.
Except for threats, of course. Anonymous threats, sent to a spouse. Threats of violence. Death threats. Threats require law enforcement protection for children of members of Congress.
That was Team Jordan’s entire plan after last week’s humiliating defeat: Let the dissidents spend a weekend in the wrath of the MAGA mob, figuring out the specter of the next hammer-wielding madman to show up on their doorstep would be enough to ensure They surrender.
It’s, you know… fascism. This is how fascists solve problems like “most people don’t want me to be in charge.”
It didn’t work out (this time), thank you to all the gods in the heavens and the world. Instead, we got a week-long episode of Jim Jordan Tries and Fails to Get Out of the Zipper Show, which turned out to be like C-SPAN’s version of Shark Week. A thrilling ride that will make you laugh out loud. highly recommended.
The big one, of course, was the floor vote, which Jordan lost by an ever-increasing margin. He briefly proposed a “plan” that would allow him to retain his prized “speaker-elect” crown until January, a plan that proved to be inconsistent with all other efforts in his unfulfilled sixteen-year congressional career. Just as successful.
Ultimately, Kimbo’s dreams of joining the presidential line of succession were dashed in a closed-door meeting where the anonymity of the secret ballot allowed the wily ruling party Cox to complete their latest window-breaking move without fear of anything Hammer-related. fear.
Anyway, the speaker game wraps up next Tuesday. Announced or rumored candidates include Tom Emmer, Byron Donald, Harvey Dent, Pete Sessions, Humbert Humbert, Kevin Hearn, Jack Bergman, James Woods, Jody Arrington, Teddy Ruxpin doll containing recording of Strom Thurmond yelling at Spanish waitress, Mark Green, Lauren Boebert (Lauren Boebert) Masturbating in Beetlejuice.
Meanwhile, McCarthy is holed up in the Speaker’s office, claiming to have amassed enough fun-sized Musketeers to await any possible government shutdown, insisting that a nougat-based diet “will only increase (his ) is already a powerful force.”
The Kraken has been released…with probation! Yes, Sidney Powell admitted her role in curbing a conspiracy to trample American democracy and will testify against her co-conspirators at a future trial. Unless the Old Lady wins next November, she will be appointed attorney general, or at least have a chance of winning the position from Jeffrey Clark via trial by combat.
After Kraken, Autogolf architect Kenneth Chesebro also signed a plea deal, proving My Love Language was a traitor who admitted to committing a felony.
Joining Sidney and Ken under the aftermath fairy paddle are Michigan fake elector James Renner, Capitol rioter Rachel Marie Powell and Twitter troll/election fraudster Douglas McKee . While I’m sure the messing up part is more interesting to you than the figuring out part, know that my personal experience with your respective journeys has been more or less the opposite. I don’t know if that’s any comfort. Kind of hope not.
As for off-brand Orban, he spends his days piling up and violating gag orders, breaking up the monotony of endless trials and testimonies by shitting on the armed forces, (who described US military officials as “the worst I’ve ever seen”). One of the stupidest people”) I think this can only be seen as evidence that he secretly appointed Junior Eric to the National Security Council) and finally confessed to who really ate all those babies.
The seeds of random terrorism came to fruition again when a radio-challenged landlord in Illinois stabbed a 6-year-old Palestinian-American boy to death while seriously injuring his mother. I guess you just have to hope that you’re not in range of a knife/nail gun/AR-15 when these guys finally break, huh?
Iowa schoolchildren have been successfully shielded from the corrosive influence of literary classics such as “1984,” “Brave New World” and “Slaughterhouse-Five,” which have frank references to the fact that humans sometimes have sex. A sad fact. Now, let’s start filling that suddenly vacated bookshelf space with shiny new editions of The Turner Diaries, Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and other such healthy treats!
Speaking of the righteous crusade against pagan liberalism, in Arkansas, Sarah Huckleberry slandered banning “woke” terms like “womxn,” “birther,” and “Governor, why are you tampering with public records? ”
Let’s see, what else is going on in conservative politics? A major Republican donor who called Barack Obama the “N” word has died after killing his wife in an attempted murder and suicide… I think someone stood up without me commenting further.
I guess we should ask Dale in “Is Tommy Tuberville Still Chattering About Poetry at a Military Desk?” Hey Dale, is Tommy Tuberville still harping on about poetry in the military?
Dyer in “Is Tommy Tuberville Still Chattering About Poetry on Military Desks”: Yes.
Forget it. Thanks Dale, talk soon!
Harlan Crowe, who financed Clarence Thomas’s lavish lifestyle and collected Adolf Hitler’s paintings, appears to have enough money left to deposit the largest legal donation to Cornel Weiss special campaign account. I guess when you believe in socialism and equality like Harlan does, you budget accordingly.
Dark Brandon established a beachhead in enemy territory, not only after distracting CEO Devin Nunes with a beautiful Holstein heifer, but also A profile was posted on Truth Social and quickly amassed more followers than prisoner P01135809 himself. Beat Donald Trump like a drum: That’s exactly what Joe Biden is doing.
Indeed, Joe has been busy, giving killer speeches, freeing hostages, and leading the free world as the domestic opposition immolated itself, but he still found time to drop off thoughtful little surprises for his colleagues in the international community. Hope you enjoy ATACMS, Pooty-Poo!
Regardless, it’s a shout-out to Polish voters for providing a much-needed W in the global fight against authoritarianism. If any of you want to come over to the workshop, you can spend the night on my couch. Apparently, pizza rolls and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fruit snacks are off limits.
God. Well, no matter what, Jim Jordan is not going to be Speaker of the House, and I’ll drink to that. In fact, I would drink for days on end.The old beer fridge will definitely need to be restocked, especially if I’m going to tackle any of the crap next week brings, although you can always support this blog for free by joining the email list or following @John_luzar on Hell.com (formerly Twitter). Stay safe out there, my friends; may you live to see the day when the United States government starts functioning again…