All Coolidge, please.
For years I hid my true self from the whole world, but now everything is changing. I hope this doesn’t change how I’m perceived, but I’m finally ready to come out of the proverbial closet and speak my truth.
I like Hallmark movies.
I know it’s shocking, but between the corny, convoluted plotlines, questionable acting, and all the stereotypes of the romance genre, I’m in love.
Or I thought I was in love.
While researching this column, I discovered that I couldn’t remember a single title of a specific Hallmark movie that I watched. Googling didn’t help either because, like the romance section of a bookstore, each cover was completely indistinguishable from the next.
And for some reason I love that the holiday movie season starts earlier every year—October Christmas movies ironically become iconic.
So instead of writing about why I like the network’s sappy formula, I decided to think about how to make Hallmark movies more memorable for everyone. especially for the LGBTQ+ community, which is often neglected by the genre.
BE DETERMINED BY STEREOTYPES
I don’t watch Hallmark movies for any realism. If I wanted to, I would watch any other, more realistic cinematic genre (which, given the tone of Hallmark, would even include fantasy).
If we want to make these films more memorable for the queer community, we need to lean into every stereotype and cliché possible—though, obviously, in a non-offensive way.
I want a campy romance that develops out of nowhere between two guys who work on a Christmas tree farm, and I want one of them to have a complex backstory that leads to the main conflict between the couple. I want a woman to run after her girlfriend in a busy airport to tell her she’s sorry for the events that happened (and I Certainly I don’t want to see TSA agents in this process).
JENNIFER COOLIDGE
I firmly believe that adding Jennifer Coolidge—a modern gay icon—to any film will instantly create an iconic, quotable, and gay-friendly experience.
Imagine:
Jennifer Coolidge stars as Mrs. Claus in another cheesy Christmas movie. (Combined with her turn in 2021 Lonely completely.)
You look like December 25th – I really want a lollipop.
Jennifer Coolidge stars as the scarecrow in the film in which two rival pumpkin patch owners fall in love.
I’m scaring the crows, stupid!
Jennifer Coolidge in an exclusive contemporary Hallmark dress Snow White where she voices the mirror on the wall talking to the evil queen.
You are not very beautiful and not very smart.
While we’re here, Lacey Chabert deserves a mention. She’s not necessarily a weird icon, but she always makes me. “Oh, it’s the actress from Mean Girls!” every time I see her in a Hallmark movie (she’s been in 30 of them!). Unfortunately, I can’t remember any of them other than the non-Hallmark “classics.” Oh mom!
Oh wait… it’s Amanda Seyfried, isn’t it?
ADD DRAG SHOW
This recommendation is quite broad, but I have a few ideas on how it could be implemented.
If the movie revolves around an upcoming wedding, I want to watch a drag show at a bachelorette party. (See above for tips on how to rely on stereotypes..) I won’t go into detail, but at the first drag show I ever attended in person, the entire wedding party was living their best life in front of the bar.
If the movie is going into rom-com territory, I want the drag show to be at the end of the movie. I want to see all the characters I’ve come to love dancing the night away as all their problems seem to be solved.
Scroll through the credits. The same song that was used at the climax plays again, but this time it plays randomly.
HIRE STRANGE PEOPLE!
Okay, that last one may seem a little unrealistic, but have a little faith. I think Hallmark movies can really be memorable if—hear me out—they hire real weird people.
I know I know. But in the realm of films that are virtually identical to each other, this recommendation can have the greatest impact, especially if it’s made responsibly.
While relying on stereotypes is a vital aspect of these films, it would be irresponsible to do so without the actual presence of queer people. Because then they become the butt of the joke rather than being part of it.
Unless Patrick Swayze comes back from the dead and reprises his role as Vida Boheme in Wong Fu, thank you for everything! Julie NewmarI want to see local drag queens working.
If all goes well and Hallmark’s wonderful executive takes my advice, maybe I can name a few of their movies without Googling. If not, then don’t worry. I will continue to discover “new” Hallmark movies for the first time, regardless of whether I’ve seen them before. ♦