Author: Kitty Shepherd-Cross
In June, a group of thugs wearing full hazmat suits, surgical gloves and ventilators were spotted storming Tesco in Market Square.
They made a beeline for non-perishable areas and CCTV footage shows them apparently grabbing the last remaining stocks of Atlantic tuna, enough UHT milk to meet French demand and more than 57 varieties of Heinz. All non-perishable items were ripped from the shelves. These mobs seem to be more afraid of deadlines than Oxbridge students. When the cashier asked her if she had a Tesco Club card, one of them wore a ventilation mask and screamed “you think I’m going to f***ing come back”.
They were later spotted bursting into Boots Pharmacy, interrupting a pharmacist who was reading a recent article about her promiscuity and the dangers of Ella One. A mob member threatened to beat the pharmacist with a John West tuna can if he didn’t hand over all the penicillin. The traumatized pharmacist admitted.
“In the last month alone, more than 500 students have said they have life-threatening gastroenteritis”
The final stop for the hazmat-suited mob was Barclays Bank, where staff were offered 2 courses of penicillin and a dose of Ella One in exchange for £2,000 in cash. Before Barclays staff were completely baffled, Durham police stormed the bank and arrested the hazmat thugs.
The mob was brought in for questioning. At first, they were hesitant to announce a motive for the attack. Eventually, however, one woman removed her respirator mask, revealing her tears… and her Durham University ID card. “It’s just that we are all Durham University SAC form processors”. “In the last month alone, more than 500 students have said they have life-threatening gastroenteritis.” She continued to be vague. For our math students, “60% of students claim they are bedridden due to a serious undiagnosed illness.” “Don’t get me started on our 2Unknown date. Nearly 80% of this year’s geographers claimed that one of their grandparents died in April. “Nancy did the absolute math and we are now convinced that there is a global apocalypse.”
PC rubbed her shoulders, “Have you seen The Invention of Lies?”
Further police inquiries revealed their offices were filled with thousands of fraudulent GP letters, funeral notices and psychotherapist notes. If they attend a scammer awareness course, they are acquitted and face no further charges.
Image: Maddie Fleisher